TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely outside of place. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, certain, let's have Yet another area in which American Adult males can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer you Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he need to stop working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the task, replied, "You know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from House, a aspect currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after finding the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not merely unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "in which's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting notice from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will likely consist of:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort in which my PTSD might have change-down company."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."

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